5 Wildfire Survival Tips That Could Save Your Family

Wildfire survival tips aren’t some abstract REI catalog bullshit when you’re literally watching your neighbor’s garage explode from your kitchen window in Colorado—yeah, that’s me right now, sipping lukewarm coffee that’s gone cold because the power flickers every time the wind shifts. Like, I used to think “bug out bag” was prepper cosplay, but then the Marshall Fire rolled through and suddenly I’m that guy frantically stuffing my toddler’s asthma inhaler into a backpack while the sky turns apocalyptic orange. The smoke smells like burning plastic and Christmas trees—don’t ask how I know that specific combo—and my wife’s yelling about the cat while I’m googling “can dogs eat charcoal.” Anyway, these wildfire survival tips? They’re burned into my brain now, pun absolutely intended.

Wildfire Survival Tip #1: Your “Go Bag” Better Include the Dumb Shit Too

Look, every wildfire survival tip list says water, meds, documents—boring but true. But nobody mentions the soul-crushing moment when your 6-year-old refuses to leave without Mr. Fluffington, their stuffed giraffe that’s literally older than they are. My go bag now has a dedicated “emotional support toy” pocket because meltdown > wildfire, change my mind. Pro tip: laminate your kids’ comfort items in ziplocks because ash gets EVERYWHERE—learned that when Mr. Fluffington came out looking like he’d been chain-smoking for a decade.

• Water: 1 gallon per person per day (my kid drinks like a fish, make it 2)
• Meds: 2-week supply plus that random antibiotic you never finished
• The weird stuff: spare charger, deck of cards (boredom kills morale), and yes, the damn giraffe

Wildfire Survival Tip #2: Evacuation Routes Are Lies We Tell Ourselves

Google Maps said 12 minutes to safety. Reality? Gridlocked hell with people abandoning cars like the world’s worst tailgate party. My brilliant wildfire survival tip: know the dirt roads your Uber driver would never take. We escaped via some sketchy logging trail because my husband remembered it from mountain biking—meanwhile I’m white-knuckling the steering wheel praying we don’t bottom out in a ravine. The air was so thick with smoke I couldn’t see 10 feet ahead, but hearing other families coughing through their windows? That’s the soundtrack of these wildfire survival tips coming alive.

The Time My Wildfire Survival Tips Failed Spectacularly

H3 Because Even Experts Screw Up

Remember when I said laminate everything? Yeah, forgot my own advice. Our “important documents” folder turned into modern art when the sprinkler system engaged in the garage—insurance papers now look like abstract expressionism. The claims adjuster actually laughed, which was somehow worse than crying.

Wildfire Survival Tip #3: Fire Doesn’t Care About Your Property Value

We spent $800 on “fire-resistant” siding. The flames ate it like cotton candy. Real wildfire survival tips: create defensible space like your life depends on it—because it does. I spent three weekends hacking at overgrown junipers with a reciprocating saw while my neighbors filmed me like I was the local crazy person. Turns out the crazy person was right when those same junipers became flaming torpedoes launching onto roofs. My hands still have blisters from gripping that saw like it was Excalibur.

Wildfire Survival Tip #4: The “Stay and Defend” Fantasy Is Instagram Bullshit

Saw some influencer talking about staying to protect their mansion with garden hoses. Cool story, bro. My wildfire survival tip: unless you’re a trained firefighter with actual equipment, GTFO. We tried “just one more thing” and almost became statistics. The sound of propane tanks exploding down the street? That’s nature’s way of saying your vintage wine collection isn’t worth dying for.

Wildfire Survival Tip #5: After the Flames, the Real Hell Begins

Everyone focuses on escaping the fire, but nobody talks about the soul-sucking aftermath. Ash in your teeth for weeks. Insurance adjusters ghosting you. Your kid asking if the mountains are “broken” now. My final wildfire survival tip: build your mental health kit too—therapist on speed dial, group chat with other survivors, and yes, the good whiskey hidden in the bug-out bag (don’t judge me).

Look, these wildfire survival tips aren’t from some government brochure—they’re from the guy who once set off his smoke alarm making toast and now flinches at campfires. The mountains still smell like charcoal, my kid hugs Mr. Fluffington tighter, and I’m that neighbor who lectures everyone about ember-resistant vents. If even one of these messed-up wildfire survival tips keeps your family breathing, then my trauma was worth sharing.

P.S. Check ready.gov for the official stuff [https://www.ready.gov/wildfires] and your local fire department’s actual evacuation zones. Then add the giraffe.